Condensing of Time

Life in the moment can be this ridiculously good thing. Spending the weekend with an old friend, exchanging flirtatious smiles with a stranger on the train, climbing a mountain, anticipation of a dear friend coming to town for the night, nailing a salsa move, making travel plans, morning run with friends.

And, those moments can be… not as good. Moments that are filled with angst, or disappoint. Loneliness. Weekends spent without a plan, messages gone unanswered. Flirtatious smiles going nowhere. No plans in the near future for travel. The drudgery of life – work, bills, cleaning the bathroom – the stuff that isn’t as fun.

My life, like most I presume, swings between the two types of moments. Sometimes it is so fun, so full of color and light and sparkles – I bound out of bed in the morning, excited for all that is on my plate. And other times, Friday nights spent at home, weekends with no real plans, quiet evenings – it doesn’t feel quite as exciting.

I’m one of those people who feels, in those moments, that they are everything – that they, those moments, are my life.

My life is so fun, or boring, or exciting, or lonely!

or whatever other descriptive word fits for the moment.

And, often, those moments that aren’t as great, rub a little rawer at my insides, always seem to last a little longer, or sting a little more. They are the moments that seem to give meaning to me, to myself – I’m boring, I’m without a plan, I don’t have friends. I know those aren’t true — that isn’t me, or who I am, they are just moments – but in those moments, I feel the uncomfortableness that is life, that is the every day – the discomfort with not feeling up at all times.

I’m learning to sit with that discomfort, to let it be and know that it isn’t everything. But, that it’s something. That discomfort is something, something to look at, something to examine and find out what makes me feel so uncomfortable. But, ultimately, to be ok with it. Because, ultimately, it is all about the condensing of time over the long view.

When I take the long view, and think back on the past few months, the past few years, I am filled with memories of great bike rides, fun outings with friends, trips taken – and through the condensing of time, those moments where I felt stuck or lonely don’t resonate so loudly, they don’t seem to create my existence in quite the same way.

Instead, I think back on time and I think ‘this life is pretty damn awesome’.