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Posts tagged ‘#fuckcancer’

Just tell them you’re a cancer patient

'And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.'
-Haruki Murakami

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This year (e.g. holy-fuck-THIS-year)

I was hoping to slide into 43, celebrating, being done with this year that has floored me, surprised me, stunned me. Sometimes, I look back at all that has happened and I am left breathless, no words in me to fathom all that has occurred.

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Go on, go live your life.

And then I had to go back for a second scan - this one that would tell me if the preliminary one, with a small dose of RAI was correct. Perhaps the small dose wasn't taken up by a small subset of cells that had decided to migrate south of my neck. The apprehension of the scan was off-set by the fact that I was starting to feel better, as I was able to get back on my meds, and I could feel them slowly taking affect. My pulse moving into the low to mid-50s. The ability to focus longer. No longer feeling like I needed to melt. The swelling around my eyes going down slightly. 

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On the cusp of knowing

I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath for months, since my surgery, really. I hadn't realized that it was a big deal, or maybe I downplayed it, because what could I do, really? It is all so out of my control.

But it all is, isn't? This whole little life of ours.

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Forgetting and remembering.

Days blended into days, my routine becoming normal, back to living my life. It was easy to ignore, easy to forget. I felt normal, I was encouraged to return to all my activities and live my life.

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