Dec 6
I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath for months, since my surgery, really. I hadn't realized that it was a big deal, or maybe I downplayed it, because what could I do, really? It is all so out of my control.
But it all is, isn't? This whole little life of ours.
Aug 10
"She doesn’t mind making someone slightly uncomfortable, because she recognizes that death is always on the way."
The first class I tried to go to, I turned around about a block away, chickening out from even going near the studio.
People always think that I am so brave.
Ha. You silly people.
“Somebody ought to tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit every minute of every day. Do it, I say, whatever you want to do, do it now.” — Michael Landon
Dear Life –
I’ve been hesitant to write you because I wasn’t sure how I felt about you. I knew believed you were giving me “gifts” – but they sure didn’t feel like gifts – all that struggle and messiness?! Come on now - what kind of gifts are those?!
But now… now I think I’m getting it. And I think that I’m ready to say thank you.
'Wow, that's so brave', she remarked to me, after I told her I moved here only knowing one or two people. I chuckled to myself, thinking - 'oh, if only you knew!' I decided to not share all those times that I felt scared, felt less than courageous, in the last 10 months.
As most of you know, I have taken a job in New York City as an School Designer, working for NYC Outward Bound Schools. Which basically means that I will be supporting schools in NYC that are implementing the Expeditionary Learning Schools model. Does it sound like the dream job for me? Yep, pretty much.
Mar 12
I am used to being stared at. Being a lone female traveling in Asia solicits stares like you wouldn’t believe. There is no way for me to not stand out. I look different. Or when you are negotiating a busy street in Kathmandu with your friend and you are both carrying big backpacks. You get stared at. Or when you are the only white person, not to mention woman, on a bus in a rural area in India. You get stared at.
I am pretty used to it at this point.
At first it bothered me. Made me feel self-conscious and very aware of my actions. But then I started to smile when they stared. Or I said hello (or whatever the culturally appropriate greeting was). But mostly I started to smile at the stare-ers. And usually, it caught them off guard. But, for the most part, I got a smile back. Sometimes that smile started a conversation, sometimes it got me offers for food, got me a cup of chai, sometimes it got me invites to join their family. But most frequently, I got a smile back.
South America is different. Here, I get stared at, though I don’t think I look all that different (especially when I get asked if I am Argentine or Spanish). Here, I get stared at, though I dress fairly conservatively (especially compared to the teenage girls). Here, I get stared at, and I don’t get a smile in return.
I have been surprised. I do not find the people here (so far in Bolivia and Argentina) to be all that warm and friendly. They do not return smiles, instead, quickly averting their eyes (‘what, me? No, I wasn’t looking at you. no, not me.’). Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, my smiles fall on cold faces.
And it is hard. It is hard to not take it personally. It is hard to still feel open. It is hard to feel compassionate and warmth towards the people here. It is hard to keep smiling.
One of my goals on this journey was to open myself up to the world – to not let fear stop me from new experiences and new people. To build bridges and not walls, something I sometimes struggle with. I have been forced to build bridges along the way – to trust strangers and new friends. To make allies where I can and to smile at strangers. To laugh at myself and believe in the inherent goodness of others.
South America is testing me. It is hard to remain open, to want to build bridges, to keep my guard down (and not build walls) and not cocoon myself. The looks I get sometimes, the unfriendly, cold stares — sometimes I feel myself retreating back in — and I want to fight it, but at the same time, I want to protect myself. Sometimes all I want is to go back to where I look different from everyone else – because at least there I got smiles.
and that is not to say that there were not cold looks in asia and there are people here who smile….
So, perhaps this is my test – to learn to stay open to the world, even if they are not open to me…. to remember that it is about me and how I present myself to the world – not about how others react to me.
Feb 23
I get scared each time I do something new.
I get scared when I change countries or take a bus for the first time in a country or when I have to communicate with people and we don’t share the same language or sometimes even when I change towns.
church in Jujuy
But once I do that new thing, once I take that first bus ride or figure out directions on my own, it as all ok again. Until the next new adventure, of course.
hiking in the rain
So, the other day when I left Mike and Beth and took a 21 hour bus ride north to Jujuy, I was really nervous. This was my first solo experience in Argentina. My first solo bus trip. My first foray into Spanish. I had been hiding behind Beth big time, on the Spanish front — having her do all my communicating! But now, it was all up to me….
It is the little things – the little steps that feel like big accomplishments. For instance, I had to make a transfer on my bus to get here (Jujuy). I was not sure of what the bus guy said (they speak so damn fast) and so I asked my bus neighbor. I found out I had to transfer buses at that moment.
Another accomplishment: I took the public bus to Lagunas de Yala — these three lakes that I hiked up to. I found the bus, took the bus, asked for directions and caught the bus back. All by myself.
one of the three lakes
I have gotten food in the market, ordered coffee and translated a whole newspaper article (that took me a long time and had to look up a lot of the words!).
main building of the plaza in jujuy
These might not sound like a big deal, but with each success I feel more comfortable and confident. Sometimes traveling by myself, I spend a lot of time by myself and in my own head (especially with the language barrier). It is hard to not psyche myself out sometimes.
So — now I am feeling like I can make it on my own again (of course I knew that I could but…. like I said, sometimes I get scared….).
Tomorrow, I head north to Tilcara which is on the way to Bolivia. It is suppose to be a beautiful area that is just an hour and a halj north of here. I am not sure how long I will stay there, though I imagine that I will make my way into Bolivia around the first of the month. And I am sure that I will get scared once again. But until then, I think I am ready to tackle the challenges in front of me.
the view from lagunas de yala
Oh, and did I mention that I am here during rainy season?
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