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Live it like you mean it.

‘Wow, that’s so brave’, she remarked to me, after I told her I moved here only knowing one or two people.  I chuckled to myself, thinking – ‘oh, if only you knew!’  I decided to not share all those times that I felt scared, felt less than courageous, in the last 10 months.

But what happened?  Was I the same person who arrived at a bus station in India and picked where I was going next by getting on the next departing bus?  Was I the same person who learned to venture out and trust myself?  It was hard to believe, sitting at home, on my couch, feeling…. well, frankly, pretty far from brave.

For some reason, things feel different here.  Perhaps, it is that I am not a traveler anymore.  This is my country, and now, my home.  Perhaps it is that NYC is not known as one of the friendlier places in the world (though, full disclosure, I don’t find it that rough either – people have the capacity to be friendly.  They just choose not to be most of the time).

But, whatever that difference is, the fact remains that I don’t feel as brave as I did when I was traveling the world.  And when you don’t have friends in a new place, getting yourself out there is very effortful.  Tiring, even.  And so, I found, over the months since I moved here – I lost that courage.  It was sometimes easier to stay in with a good book, watch House of Cards on netflix.

Yet, I remember what it felt like to be out there, to explore, and have that freedom.  So, I am going to dedicate the next few months/time to making that effort.  To re-aquatinting myself with that freedom and joy and exploration.  To being the traveler – but this time with a home (that no one is puking in) and way more clothes and shoes.

more than just a pair of hiking boots and chacos

more than just a pair of hiking boots and chacos

So, here is to learning to be a travler in my own home, wherever that home is – and finding courage.

chinese new year in flushing

chinese new year in flushing

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. Carol Kushner #

    I can relate to this. When we lived in Fabius and I was feeling lonely and cut off from others, I used to pretend I was a tourist and go out and find new areas around CNY to explore. It worked, and I remember having some good adventures. Good luck with this–it’s like that old adage about home being wherever you find yourself.

    June 3, 2013
  2. Mary Lou Reid #

    I’m waiting for your book. I’d buy it in a New York minute.

    June 3, 2013
  3. Isn’t it strange that we can be so brave out in the world but when we are in our own country it becomes more difficult. I think there are so many reasons (which I will spare you and which you probably already know, or this comment will become mega-long). But I believe your courage is still there, just hiding under the surface. I can’t wait to read more as you write about this.

    June 3, 2013
    • Thanks Kim – though I would love to know your thoughts. It _is_ hard to find the courage – especially when you don’t know a lot of people or totally feel at home. Or maybe that is it — not feeling totally at home, but also not being a traveler – kind of stuck in the middle….

      June 3, 2013
  4. I love it. I can’t wait to be part of your adventure again!

    June 3, 2013

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